It’s no secret that people around the world are suffering in so many ways right now. My heart has been breaking for months about it. Just a couple weeks ago, I was sharing and posting and trying to amplify the unheard voices that desperately needed to be. I would do anything to wake up tomorrow and see the world’s problem’s disappear and see the earth heal completely, but that’s not realistic.
Tonight, I feel extremely selfish. For the past couple of hours, I’ve been listening to music (mostly oldies), day dreaming, worrying, reading and thinking. I just finished an article about choosing not to have children due to climate change. Both of these issues have weighed heavy on my heart and mind for years. I’ve wanted to have kids all my life. My husband and I have been trying for almost 10 years. I was diagnosed with PCOS a handful of years ago, but have never gone in for extensive tests or treatment. Between money and not wanting to fully face realty and hope it will happen one day, here we are 10 years later with no sign of pregnancy in our future. Climate change has also been a fear of mine. It’s a serious issue and I have already battled with my heart and head about giving up on the idea of having a family. This article was very insightful and although it was an emotional read for me, I feel it helped me refocus and come up with some logical cons. I have focused so much of my time and energy on why I didn’t want to give up on the dream.
With everything going on personally and around me, I am redirecting my focus on being a good human being and gratitude for the thing and people I have in my life. I no longer want to use my energy on what I want or don’t have. I’m exhausted. My purpose here isn’t what I thought it was and that’s ok.
I hope you take time to step back sometimes and re-evaluate your life and your presence here on this earth. Sometimes what we thought we needed or wanted or why we’re here isn’t what we thought and we need to be open to new roads and avenues.
There have always been things I’ve cared passionately about over the years. Most of them remain pretty low key due to fear. Fear of being judged or worse, abandoned by those I care about. I couldn’t tell you when this fear presented itself for the first time, but I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I haven’t been honest with myself for most of my years and it’s something I battle with every single day of my life. I know I’m not alone. So I am here today to say that regardless of who I lose in my life for standing up for what I believe in, I will dedicate the rest of my life to being more transparent, faithful to those who are faithful to me. Like I said yesterday, I have been on a downward spiral with my depression and anxiety. All this time, I’ve thought that I needed some sort of closure or resolved issues from my past to excel in this life. All along, it has been right in front of my face. With the influence of others, I have self-sabotaged myself. This needs to stop. Those who have hurt me, or speak their minds regardless of how it will make me or others feel, don’t give it a second thought when opening their mouths or posting to social media. They don’t care if we agree with them. In fact, I think they prefer you don’t . These people like to argue. They may call it having a discussion or “debate”, but I think that’s BS. I prefer to keep the peace and I will not apologize for that, nor will I accept false judgement of me for being compassionate about something that matters. If I share anything, I’m going to do it will genuine and kind intentions. I will never force anything on anyone, but I will stress the importance of real world problems. We don’t have a lot of time on this planet, and I’m finally ready to make my life worth living, even if it means I’m alone. At the end of the day, when I leave this earth, I want to leave a legacy of honesty, integrity and I want to go out knowing I did what I could to make a difference.
Just a side note. Religion aside, you may believe in whatever higher being you want. That’s the best thing, you’re free to be or do whatever you like. The same goes for me. But at the end of the day, it’s about getting love right. There are things in this world out of our control. Everyone has a different perception of who and or what is controlling it. Many of us have peace in our hearts for whatever reason that we have a purpose to fulfill and a place we will rest when our lives end. That being said, if you aren’t harming anyone or anything, it’s okay to explore other avenues or be open to other knowledge and facts. I know there is a this huge controversy over Science & Religion. I believe there is a middle ground to be met and my biggest hope is that one day, the people of this country and of this world will finally come together and realize that we are all in this together. We will never be able to completely eliminate our enemies, but we can certainly try to make peace and have enough respect for humanity to put differences aside along with the greed and work together.
I’m sitting here, feeling so alone. I’ve been on a downward spiral with my depression and anxiety lately. I feel very stuck. I feel like I don’t know anyone anymore. What is bringing this on so strong? It’s a mix of things I’ve dealt with or been through over the years and my childhood. However, after some thought over the past couple of days and scrolling through social media, I have realized its a trigger. I used to get on Facebook to catch up with my dad and my close friends that I live far away from. It used to be so nice to see the pictures and cute/funny memes. It changed though. It’s mostly politics and racial profiling headlines. It’s disgusting and brings me down more than ever. I think it’s great to have diverse views, but where did the boundaries go? To hell, if you ask me. There are no more morals and there certainly is way less respect. Some days, it brings me to tears. Sometimes it makes me so angry. I’m also disappointed with myself. I have held myself back. But after years of wondering where my place was in this world, although I feel very lost. At the end of the day, I have realized that the world is harsh and I need to use my strengths and break through the bubble and be a voice for the things I care about that are important, despite what others will think and feel. I have to remind myself that what views I have are important to me and to many others, unfortuanetly, I will lose people in my life the day I begin to really express myself. I will not apologize for caring about ALL human-being’s rights, for animals and the mass production being done and all the environmental issues. Be ready to this woman to be more transparent. And a big thank you and goodbye to those who don’t love me enough to stand by my side.
We live in a world where we are constantly judging others and ourselves too. It’s so bad that we are comparing ourselves to others to see where we stand in society’s eyes. We think our friends and family see us in the same light. Although some of them do, many of them don’t. We are our own worst critic. I know first-hand what it’s like to be a bully to yourself. I could never imagine bullying another person, but it’s become way too easy to beat myself up. I put myself down pretty regularly and when I feel like I’m failing, I’m the first one to call myself worthless. I’m still on a journey to find where this extreme self-hate comes from. Both of my parent’s thought I was and still think I am beautiful. They always made sure to tell me. Peers were a different story. Not as much when I was real young, but as I got older, it became harder and harder to make friends. I hated the way looked and was always worried that the other girls were judging me and the guys would wish I were them. It wasn’t the case though. Looking back, I was adorable and very likeable. I was quiet, and that was a huge turn off for most. But I had the looks. I sure do wish I had taken advantage of them more. Not that I wish I got around more, but I wish I had the confidence. I couldn’t even tell you when the first time I started covering my stomach when I ran or when I sat down. I always had a pillow in my lap or wore baggy clothes. I had nothing to hide. I know that now, but I would love to go back and tell myself that I was a catch. Somewhere along the line, I felt ugly, fat and lots of guys thought I was hot and lots of girls wanted to have my body. We’ve been trained to think a certain weight or body type determines our beauty. We think other’s won’t accept us, therefore not accepting ourselves. We shouldn’t wait to lose the weight to love our bodies. Sure, be active, eat healthier, lose the weight…but teach yourself to love the body you’re in no matter what. I’m not there yet, but I want be. Let’s find out self love together.
It’s a small price to pay for what could be dangerously tragic if we don’t take the requested shelter-in-place orders more seriously. Now more than ever is a time to come together. It’s time to realize that the earth is about to hit rock bottom and with more people staying home, it’s showing signs of healing. It’s going to take a lot more effort and that means the priorities of this country need to change. We need tough, but compassionate people leading us. We need peace. We need to go back to the basics, to survival. Remind ourselves that people survived without all the things accessible to us now. They weren’t driven by money and greed. They were hardworking and grateful. They took care of each other. They respected each other. We need to slow things down and let the earth replenish itself and heal so that she can give back to us. But first, we must give back to her. Staying home right now is the most effective way to stop the virus from spreading. If people would stop complaining and just do their part, we could get through this faster. In a way, that sounds amazing. However, it makes me so happy to know that the earth is getting a much needed break, but not the one she deserves. Instead of complaining about kids being home because school was canceled until further notice, be thankful they’re not being forced to be exposed and risk getting very sick. In most cases, death is not something to be feared. But this should be taken more seriously than some are. I’m can’t lie, some of the memes floating around social media make me laugh, but at the end of the day, it’s kind of sad to think of how privileged the people of this country are. I have talked to a handful of people from out of the country and they are thankful they’re kids are safe at home. They are not panicking and are just as frustrated with those who are panic shopping. They’re taking it seriously though. They are almost on full lock down, some of them. We must continue to remind ourselves how much we have, and not things…but people and a roof over our head. Try to remember there are a lot of people going through this alone or living on the street. If you think you know fear, try to put yourself in their shoes. As always, choose love.
Welcome to my blog! My name is Amanda. I live in Northern California with my husband and our four fur-babies. I have a passion for writing and photography and look forward to sharing that with you. My website is still a work in progress, but please feel free to subscribe to receive emails when a new post is up. Find me on Twitter and Instagram as well.