Am I Selfish?

It’s no secret that people around the world are suffering in so many ways right now. My heart has been breaking for months about it. Just a couple weeks ago, I was sharing and posting and trying to amplify the unheard voices that desperately needed to be. I would do anything to wake up tomorrow and see the world’s problem’s disappear and see the earth heal completely, but that’s not realistic.

Tonight, I feel extremely selfish. For the past couple of hours, I’ve been listening to music (mostly oldies), day dreaming, worrying, reading and thinking. I just finished an article about choosing not to have children due to climate change. Both of these issues have weighed heavy on my heart and mind for years. I’ve wanted to have kids all my life. My husband and I have been trying for almost 10 years. I was diagnosed with PCOS a handful of years ago, but have never gone in for extensive tests or treatment. Between money and not wanting to fully face realty and hope it will happen one day, here we are 10 years later with no sign of pregnancy in our future. Climate change has also been a fear of mine. It’s a serious issue and I have already battled with my heart and head about giving up on the idea of having a family. This article was very insightful and although it was an emotional read for me, I feel it helped me refocus and come up with some logical cons. I have focused so much of my time and energy on why I didn’t want to give up on the dream.

With everything going on personally and around me, I am redirecting my focus on being a good human being and gratitude for the thing and people I have in my life. I no longer want to use my energy on what I want or don’t have. I’m exhausted. My purpose here isn’t what I thought it was and that’s ok.

I hope you take time to step back sometimes and re-evaluate your life and your presence here on this earth. Sometimes what we thought we needed or wanted or why we’re here isn’t what we thought and we need to be open to new roads and avenues.

Peace & Love,

Mandi

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